*Caution, if public expressions of sadness aren’t your thing, you should probably avoid this one – Normal DIY/FOOD/LIFESTYLE posts shall resume shortly*
I don’t often stray too far into my personal life over on here, however today I’m going to share something quite serious. One week ago, I had a phone call that made my heart sink into the lowest most darkest depths of my stomach. My mother has been missing for over fifteen months and last week they found her body.
I’m not sharing this as gossip, I’m not sharing for sympathy, nor to boost any blog stats. I’m sharing this because the week that has followed receiving this news has been one of the hardest of my life. I’ve changed, my life has changed, everything I thought I knew has changed and everything I thought was important has changed. And when anyone who follows my blog life notices the change, I want there to be an explanation.
I’m usually a supporter of change, change is good… this however is the worst kind. The positive outlook I have spent years training myself to default too is disappearing, Issues I’d spent so long working through have returned. This week I had the first panic attack in over a year. Everything is everywhere and I’m in pain, real, raw emotional turmoil. The type that will always alter a person at their very core.
I know some people, quite a lot of people just don’t ‘get’ blogs. I’m sure there are plenty of people out there that think this is better off being kept private, written in a journal or something. But yesterday when I broke down to Sam he told me to write, just write it all down… share it, don’t share it… just write. So this is what I’m doing. And really, any writing is at its finest when its so brutally honest. So I just decided to hit that publish button and secretly hope that no one reads it.
My plans for the immediate future are pretty uncertain. I might share this and go back into hiding for a few more weeks… Or It might give me the release I need to get some normality back. I miss my camera, I miss my Insta- buddies, I miss my lists… oh all the lists. And I miss everything that goes into creating my content.
First and foremost, I’m making self-care my biggest priority. I absolutely can’t cope with what these on coming weeks will bring if I’m uncared for. And so I’ll continue sleep and eat well -ish, I’ll stick to exercise as a release – as opposed to screaming with anger, I’ll keep alcohol consumption to a minimum and most importantly, let myself feel what I need to feel, when I need to feel it.
Maybe, just maybe… Then I’ll be alright.
The little woman pretends.